Monday, January 09, 2012

Waiting on the Lord.

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

Contextualized in that way waiting still seems dreary...but doable -- a worthwhile endeavor. Unfortunately, as you strive to keep an eye single to the glory of God, as you are asking and seeking and knocking the devil comes to meet you instead. And sometimes he comes at you so hard and for so long that you begin to doubt everything you once believed in. Yourself. Your relationships. Your God. Did I make the right decision? Am I doing the right things? Should I have moved to Salt Lake and stayed there for 7 years...really? Why did you tell us to adopt a narcissist and his lackey brother again? And where the cuss did you go anyway?

That persistent little devil keeps at you until you beat your plowshares into swords, and your pruninghooks into spears because suddenly the slightest provocation stirs you to battle. You're a paranoid pirate and you've holed yourself up in a man-of-war. You must defend yourself at all costs...but all costs means you feel so isolated and empty that you find yourself looking around wondering where everyone could have gotten off to in this, your dark, dark hour. You wonder how you can make it back to the days when you thought, like Victor Hugo's Mademoiselle Baptistine, "If the devil came into this house, we'd let him do his worst. After all, what can we be frightened of in this house? There is always someone with us who is the strongest. The devil might pass through but the good Lord lives here." But the good Lord apparently isn't home and the devil is not just in your house but in your heart. And he is doing his worst. And you're no longer trying merely to get through the test of time but the test of now. And that test just might kill you. You're the first marathoner and the road to the fourth watch seems impassable. Even if you make it through this grievous ordeal you will probably just lay down and die at the end of it all -- forget about waiting on the Lord.

:deep breath:

...but...just when you're beginning to resign yourself to your awful fate, when you no longer have the strength to fight the inexhaustible and the desolate deep threatens to swallow you whole, a sliver of light reaches your drowning soul. You realize that, perhaps, at some point during your struggle for the infinite your waiting turned into hiding. And once you unlock the door to your gray room and meagerly call out, "Here am I," you hear the response, "Be still and know that I am God." (D&C 101:16)

Your futile flailing is over. The devil is gone. The fourth watch is here. And all you have left to say is, "Be near me, Lord Jesus; I ask thee to stay close by me forever, and love me, I pray." Please stay. Because you don't know how many more watches you will be rowing through before this storm is gone forever.

But, of course, this is all purely speculation. 

6 comments:

SHELLS BELLS! said...

Lohra, I'll be right over...

I love this post.

Kristin said...

It is those glimpses of light that get us through the dark times. Thank you for your well-spoken thoughtful words! You are not alone in your feelings!

Josie said...

Beautifully written - I think you should maybe go for a third major in writing or journalism. What do you think of that? You can never have too much schooling, right? Anyway, sounds like you need to come down for a visit. I have to say I am glad you came to Utah or I would have never met you and I think you are truly AMAZING!!! So, keep the faith and just put one foot in front of the other - (some Christmas show song :)). Love you.

LauraAnne said...

You are very well written, and incredibly brilliant. It must be in the name ;)
You may be writting for yourself, but it's bigger than that.
Proud to call you family and I absolutely love the voice in your writing. Your personality just gushes through your words!

Douglas said...

I thought for a moment that your mother had ghost written this for you. Maybe we can together coax her out of the man of war in which she walled herself (without her first firing off a few more rounds at anyone approaching). For the Son to burst through the clouds unfortunately implies that the clouds are preceedingly present. Too many of us are suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder of the Soul. But you are right (as usual), waiting on the Lord while maintaining a fetal position is not exactly stepping forward in faith. Maybe that is why Satan keeps up the attack, we may not join his army but we begin to take up defensive positions and stop moving. Keep your chin up, otherwise it makes it harder for life to slap you in the face. And I close with our family motto: Buck Up!

Chelsi Ritter said...

wow laura your writing makes me think every time. i know i've felt this way before; you are so awesome and i wish we could actually spend time together so you could tutor me in all your deep thoughts and speculations. and because you're so rad to hang out with. it's moments like these when i turn up an in-your-face song and sing my heart out in the car. i've got a couple if you want any suggestions....