Monday, February 25, 2008

My twisted family.

Here's a message my 19-yr. old brother sent me on Facebook. Yes, I'm on Facebook. Yes, that's the primary method I use to communicate with my family. He's writing about our 16-yr. old sister.

"Mom and dad told me that they hate kathryn and plan to take her on a trip and then kill her and feed her to wild aligators....i'm not sure how i feel about their plan but i guess there is no stopping them. I thought i would tell you because we need to decide if we should do something or just let it happen. So far the vote is 6-1. 6 people voted to let kathryn die, and 1 says to stop it (that person was dmitri and he thought the vote was for candy) Pretty much its unanimous and your vote isn't going to count, but i thought i would throw it past you anyways."

This is Kathryn's response to me, even though I hadn't even weighed in yet.

"UM I DO NOT APPROVE OF YOU AND JOHN DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT I SHOULD LIVE THROUGH FACEBOOK COMMENTS. anyways you guys are just jealous because im the favorite child well you need to get over it! plus john heard the story wrong, they're taking john on a wild safari and then feeding him to the lions. its all planned out so bye bye johnny its been nice knowing you, not really though."

...and for some reason, I think it's really funny. You see, people have been trying to get rid of her for years...

Friday, February 22, 2008

An addendum.

Remember how I hate being in charge? Just a couple weeks ago I was released from my calling as an Activities Committee Co-Chair...which may or may not have contributed to that post of January 31.

I was well aware that I would be released. My year was up and changes were being made in the ward. So I took the opportunity to put in a few requests…ok, I pleaded for mercy. You see, there was one assignment I had an inkling I might get...and I would rather be pushed into an icy lake filled with um, robot piranhas.
In fact, the two circumstances aren't that different.

The moment I walked into the bishop’s office, my eyes scanned the white board for the dreaded heading...and there it was with my picture, turned horizontally as if in question, my face smiling almost mockingly back at me. By the time the counselor in the bishopric got around to extending the calling, I had resigned myself to my fate.

I am a Gospel Doctrine Teacher.

My debut is tomorrow.

Every time I think about it I get nervous. Don't think I'm looking for validation, though. I am fully confident that my lesson would astound even the best scriptorian. I'm merely concerned that, frozen in the stare of 24 pairs of predacious eyes, I' eaten alive.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 think you can dance?

Since Stef didn't end up trying out for SYTYCD I thought I would still show everyone what it would have looked like if she had. Of course, Shelley and I practiced some moves with her--moves we got off the streets of San Fran.

NOTE: Shelley IS wearing a helmet.

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Monday, February 04, 2008

What's your name again?

Monday was the press conference at which the LDS church announced their new president and his counselors. It was held in the lobby of the Church Office Building just outside the East wing (the one I work in). In fact, they closed our wing from 10-12:30 so there wouldn't be any foot traffic. They did allow patrons to stay in the library, however. So from 10-11:00 I delivered items requested from the stacks and from 11-12:00 my coworkers and I gathered around a computer to watch the press conference live on the internet. I'm not sure how 'live' a 5-minute delay is but...let's not argue semantics right now.
Without going into too much detail and potentially revealing super secret security issues of which I have absolutely no knowledge of--torture would be futile--let me paint a picture. The General Authorities use our elevators from time to time when they need to access the auditorium on the main floor. Monday was no different. Since these elevators are right outside the Church History Library and since I was delivering to said library from 10-11:00 and since that was right before the press conference I had high hopes of spotting some GA's. It's difficult to lurk down there without being too obvious so I was trying to time things just right...without really being able to time things at all.

Around 10:30 I went down to the library glancing at which floor the elevator was on and made a concerted effort to slow my urgent feet. I completed my assigned task and pushed myself back through the heavy glass door of the library. Ding. The door to the elevator assigned to the GA's was opening. My face broke out in an exultant smile, choirs of angels rejoiced, and a trumpet sounded triumphantly. Success.

I stood there awkwardly, staring, as Elder Perry, Elder Uchtdorf, and Elder Nelson filed into the hallway in front of me. A year ago I would have stared at my feet and tried to blend into my surroundings. Now that I'm a veteran GA spotter, however, I've learned how to stop pretending like either they or I don't exist. I smiled and shyly said hi, waiting for them to march off with the security guard so I could run upstairs and shout hosannas from the rooftops.

Before I knew what was happening, Elder Perry walked right up to me and shook my hand saying enthusiastically, "Good morning! How are you doing today?" Moments like this--like the time my car was hurtling towards a cement barrier at 80 mph, when everything happens so fast--don't give you time to take everything in. They certainly don't give you time to compose yourself into a normal and rational human being. I don't remember looking Elder Perry in the face. I do remember not being sure where to look--as I think most would feel when suddenly overwhelmed by apostles. I remember thinking Elder Uchtdorf's face looked a little red. I also remember saying something but I can't recall what that was.

Elder Perry then said something to the effect of, "It's nice of you to show up today," the meaning of which I have yet to figure out. I glanced at Elder Uchtdorf, unsure whether or not I should look for a handshake from him as well. He didn't disappoint. Elder Uchtdorf kindly greeted me and shook my hand. I made eye contact with Elder Nelson, hesitantly expectant. He didn't make a move. Perhaps emboldened by their friendliness, perhaps refusing to leave anyone out, perhaps merely acting impulsively, I extended my hand to Elder Nelson and quietly mumbled..."Hi Elder Hales."

They went their way, I continued to stare, a goofy smile plastered on my face. I skipped up the stairs like a rock on water, my feet barely touching the steps. I replayed the scene a hundred times in my head. It was then that I realized...Nelson! It was Elder Nelson! I had just called one of the Lord's anointed by the wrong name. The triumphant trumpet abated and the angels hid their faces in shame. I promptly told everyone I knew. My only consolation is that I spoke quietly enough that neither he nor his colleagues realized what I was saying. After all, it took me about 15 minutes to process.

Seriously, one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Second only to the time I...well, nevermind.