Forgive my sentimentality.

The only job I’ve ever loved has come to an end. As of Friday, I am no longer employed by Varian Medical Systems, Inc. – world’s leading manufacturer of medical devices used for treating cancer. In fact, I am no longer employed by anyone...this again? I spent one unemployed summer sweating indoors and watching as much tv as the internet could hold. I also read The Count of Monte Cristo and other short stories.

It was depressing. 

And hot. 

Maybe sometime I'll tell you how exactly I got here. But not today. Nope, today I will merely be grateful that at least it will be cooler this time around. That's a change. Perhaps I'll work for Alta again.

Remember this?

I spent my last day at Varian sort of wandering around distracting people. I had already had two farewell lunches that week and couldn't believe anyone still wanted to go out again. I felt somewhere in the middle of this-is-a-big-deal and I'm-not-sure-this-matters-that-much. Several of my coworkers were generous enough to bemoan the fact that I was leaving. "Why can't they hire you?" "This is just stupid." And I would shrug my shoulders and say, "Oh well." And, actually, I would love to get hired on there. Well, I mean, if staying in Salt Lake is my future, Varian is the only place I want to work. There and Alta. So when I left on Friday, I half expected to pause at the door, take one last longing look around, and then walk to my car with eyes brimming with emotion. Instead I felt exhilarated. Like I could do anything. Like I was free. FREEEEE!!!!

Then, twenty minutes later I realized that come Monday I had absolutely nothing to do.

Do you ever wish you could stop time so you could get yourself in order before the clock starts ticking again? I've wished for that often lately. My life in stop motion animation. I feel like I've passively let so much time slip by as I've half-heartedly tried to escape the overwhelming doldrums of my indecision. I need to move on. Be proactive. Hitch up my one pair of skinny jeans and find a place to belong. I just don't. know. what to do with myself. 

You see, there's this part of me that feels beyond restless. That part of me would pack up and leave tomorrow, if possible. It would run and escape and disappear. But I'm not sure that's the part of me I want to listen to...or rather, to which I want to listen. Another part of me wants to move closer to my family. To reinstitute Thanksgiving and Easter in my life. I could establish myself as the favorite once and for all. I would definitely take the opportunity to start claiming some of my parent's possessions. It could, and most likely would, be awesome. Then...there's yet another part that thinks maybe I should stay here. Here I have friends that know me and cousins and mountains and babies and ex-colleagues that like me and fake families and SO many singles and...and...and...Baaaaaah!!

So I vacillate between this:

and this: 

and this:

 and even some moments of this:

But, one thing is for certain: I am one confused orangutang.