Man, things have gotten lame lately!

I’m not quite sure who cast a pall and a shadow over my clumsily constructed card house. I’m not sure how I ended up neck deep in the grave of my confused conscience—you know, the one boiling everything down to shovelfuls of “you’re not good enough.” I don’t know why I’ve found myself so desperately needy and left so desperately wanting…but I am…and I don’t want to be anymore.

In the midst of bereaving the loss of myself, I remembered the oft-reached conclusion that despite my shortcomings and my shortgoings, I deserve happiness. I deserve the fruit from a golden orchard. I deserve a shining platter of sunsets. I deserve the rolling hills of laughter and the harmony riding in the wind. I am not referring to something I’ve earned as a mere creature that breathes. Instead, I speak of an expectation or, more accurately, an opportunity to create a platter from a plate and an orchard from a seed.

I may only be capable of achieving incrementally for now; but as I gain pieces of sublime happiness, squinty-eyed and smiling, I will hold them up to the brilliance of the sun until as a coiling flame they consume my heart and feed on the veil that covers it.

I passed a man on campus awhile ago who, in all the wisdom of his years, was telling his granddaughter never to be ashamed to work for money. I passed him before he could add what I hoped would be a caveat about the mob and strip clubs. Nevertheless, I have since (tried to) take his advice to heart. I am doing something with my life. Perhaps I’m taking a longer, somewhat indirect, and more expensive route than you would have chosen but I am not you. I am the best in you and I will conquer the worst in me.

I am an eagle. I am a queen. I am captain.

I was made in the image of a God. I am power and wisdom. I am beauty and love. I am a daughter and a sister. I am a leader, a follower, a friend. I am a promise and a hope.

So help me, I will be happy too.